The TWO most counterproductive ways of finding happiness

In honor of International Day of Happiness: Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Ever since brains have evolved enough to desire the abstract feeling of happiness, there’s been both a pursuit of that feeling, and the difficult task of defining exactly what it is. Happiness is known enough to those who feel it, but intangible enough to lack one concise, universal and objective definition.Scientists and psychologists have at least agreed upon its multifaceted and subjective nature, and have noted such words as “joy”, “fulfillment”, “well-being”, “contentment”, and “satisfaction” to be somewhat synonymous.
One thing is for certain though, its pursuit is widespread. So, how does one find this state of being? Well, there is an entire field of psychology devoted to this answer, and it’s called, aptly, Positive Psychology. Trying to “Find Happiness” is a common theme in the work that I do, and I have discovered that there are two very surprising ways to help.

1. The most productive way to find happiness is…to stop looking for it!

The more we become obsessed with feeling a certain way, the more we put pressure upon ourselves. In other words, we start “shoulding” all over ourselves, which has proven an unhelpful way to think, i.e. “I know I SHOULD be happy right now, but…”

People who engage in “should” statements are more likely to actually feel anxious or depressed, because if we think we “should” feel a certain way, we often set ourselves up for expectations that sometimes we can’t meet. Why can’t we meet the expectation of “I should be happy”? Well, for one, emotions are transient, and as humans we have the capacity to feel a gamut of emotions.

What if we could allow happiness to find us, organically, without chasing it down, gasping and out of breath?

 

This brings me to my second seemingly counterintuitive way to find happiness:

2. Don’t discredit any emotion!

Yes, that’s right. By allowing oneself to validate all emotions that are felt, even sadness, one is more likely to feel greater well-being overall. You see, emotions are our compass, part of our life force, and though some emotions are more uncomfortable than others, the old adage of “what we resist, persists” rears its ugly proverbial head!

Resisting discomfort sets us up for perpetual discomfort. This is why mindfulness meditation is such a useful mechanism. While a nice byproduct of mindfulness practice can be relaxation, it is actually a tool used to help people expose themselves to all of their feelings, and with as little judgment as possible, truly embrace them.

One can argue that emotions are neither intrinsically “good or bad”, and to think of them in such dichotomous terms is to do ourselves a disservice. Emotions just are. In fact, every emotion tells us something about our inner experience that might be informing our outer experience. Even Rumi, the Sufi poet, waxed poetic in his ‘The Guest House’ way back in the 13th century about how we should treat every emotion as a visitor, without looking to get rid of any of them, but rather to understand their message and purpose.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi

What Rumi alluded to in his writing, was also recently confirmed by research that indicates that well-being is actually predicated on having a wider range of emotions! Yes, that’s correct, the more you can feel, in all of feeling’s iterations, the better off you are (read more: www.scientificamerican.com/article/negative-emotions-key-well-being/)

So c’mon let’s get happy!…and sad…and…

Hi, my name is Dr. Jennifer Wolkin, and I am a licensed clinical psychologist, writer, speaker and professor. I specialize in both health and neuro psychology and my passion is the pursuit of holistic wellness; mind, body, brain, spirit! Learn more about my training and experience.